Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
