Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
