I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
