last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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