He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
