Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
