A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
