i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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