you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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