I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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