a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize