she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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