I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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