Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
