and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
