He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
