I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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