you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
