Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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