You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
