I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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