Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
