I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
