6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
