I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
