I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im holly from the hills drunk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
