the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
