Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
