You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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