i was born a porn star she said
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
