I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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