I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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