I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
