I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
