so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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