I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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