My hand turned me down
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drake has all the answers
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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