I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
