i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
