didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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