y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
