When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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