Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Boobs speak an international language.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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