wrigley field is MILF paradise
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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