oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
