I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wear drunk well.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
