I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
