1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
