After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
