She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Of course I have a pirate flag
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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