God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
