Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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