the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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