I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize