Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
