Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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